Stop eating people’s old french fries, pigeon. Have some self respect! Don’t you know you can fly?

The opening scenes of this episode flawlessly set us up for the plot to follow. Liz, Jack and Tracy all smell maple syrup. Jack’s afraid it might be Northrax, a chemical weapons we sold to Saudi Arabia that smells like maple syrup, but it kills you after ten seconds. Jack and Liz wait on the line for ten seconds before hanging up.

You should know that this is a real thing that has happened and that I have experienced. Jack posited it was coming from the factories in Staten Island, but it really came from Jersey. Staten Island probably would have been my top guess too, though.

Anyway, so many funny things happen that it’s really difficult to pick what to highlight. But here’s my best shot.

This was another heavy Jack episode. After attending a party thrown by “John McCain and Jack Bauer,” he meets and falls in love with a Democratic congresswoman, Celeste Cunningham (better known as C.C.), played by Edie Falco. C.C. is actively lobbying against NBC’s ownder, Sheinhardt Wig Company, which may or may not have dyed some kids orange. Oops

At first it almost doesn’t work out, since Jack orders a really girly drink, the Nancy Drew (he asserts it’s called a Hardy Boy when a man drinks it). It sounds like a summertime dark and stormy, though, so I kind of almost want one?

The Nancy Drew:

White Rum

Ginger ale (Jacks gets diet)

A splash of lime juice

Anyway it seems that political differences will ruin their relationship:

C.C.: I’m helping Hilary retool her universal healthcare plan.

Jack: God I want to kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.

Until! C.C. reveals that she got into politics because a dog shot her in the face and she sued the gun company. And that Lifetime made a movie about it:

Subtitle: A dog took my face and gave me a better face to change the world. Bonus Kristen Wiig!

Subtitle: A dog took my face and gave me a better face to change the world.
Bonus Kristen Wiig!

Jack watches the movie and is moved by the plot, in which Celeste falls in love with the dog that shot her in the face, overcoming the odds for them to be together. He’s the dog, and he races to Celeste to declare his feelings and pursue and clandestine relationship. “We’ll ignore our differences until our sex goes bad and then we’ll walk away bitter and angry.”

Meanwhile, Liz thinks her neighbor, Raheem, played by Fred Armisen, is a terrorist because he’s mean to her, won’t shake her hand, filmed a weird video in the park, and has a lot of maps. Pete points out that she has a map, and she responds, “That’s different, that’s an antique and I’m a white lady.” Awkward.

But Liz’s terrified racism is sort of understandable given the episode’s cold open (the biological warfare that almost was) and the fact that New York is covered in signs that say, “IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING,” “IF YOU SUSPECT ANYTHING, DO EVERYTHING,” and, “WE DON’T POISON THE WORLD. TERRORISTS DO. -SHEINHARDT WIG COMPANY.” I mean, obviously Liz is wrong for calling the NSA on her neighbor, and she doesn’t have the best track record for not being racist, but in post-9/11 New York, people do dumb, dumb things.

Kenneth’s plot involves him trying to get enough money to replace the pants he lost, Jack’s $2,500 pants. The writers make him eat expired ketchup and scare Lutz. It’s funny.

Oh one more thing! Mid-episode Jack and Liz raves about Verizon phones. Liz then looks at the camera and asks, “Can we have our money now?” Another hilarious product-placement meta-moment of awesome.

Bits & Pieces

So starting from last episode, we’re seeing the episodes aired during the Writers’ Guild of America strike of 2007-2008. In this episode, the new crawl on MSNBC made some good jokes at the strike’s expense. It read: “Mysterious visitor from future wins lottery again. Wolf blitzer injured in wolf blitz. News crawl affected by writers strike – using repeat text from previous season.”

Most Jack thing Jack says: There were a lot of good candidates this episode, but I’m picking, “Your hair is your head suit.”

When Grizz and Dotcom bring Tracy a selection of pants, they bring him a pair of Sean John jeans. Do those still exist?

Jack plays “What The World Needs Now Is Love” on a piano at the party while singing and this attracts C.C.? It’s weird.

Tracy has some amazing ideas for pick-up lines:

Tell her that you want her privates and your privates to do a high five.

Tell her you want her to donate her body to science and you science.

And this amazing monologue about forbidden love:

Oh, I get it. Romeo and Juliet? Capulets and Romulans? Mmm hmm, I’ve been there. I’m black, she’s white. I’m black, she’s light-skinned black. I’m black, she’s seventeen.

A ranking of Jack’s love interests from best to worst: C.C., Condaleeza Rice, Bianca, Maureen Dowd, Phoebe. Phoebe is always last.

Best Frank hat: Karate Prom

Tracy lives in Jersey? What? Why? What?

Jack uses a photo of Ronald Reagan as a reference photo for his haircut.

Character I related to most: Maybe Pete yelling at Liz to stop being racist?

Hints that Kenneth is immortal/mystical/terrifying: He ate a whole bottle of expired ketchup and suffered no adverse health effects.

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